Reversing Intelligence and Tests

I hated studying, believed I wasn't "book smart", and was terrified of tests.

When I was eight or nine years old, I had to take a test with the state. Being homeschooled by my mother and father, I was told I had to pass this test or else the police would lock up my parents and take me away from them. This was terrifying to me because we weren't structured enough as a family to complete our school work. On the day of the test, I literally believed the world and life was about to end. What was more terrifying, I didn't know when they'd know or come to separate us from mom and dad. I cannot use words to describe the paralysis I held in my body.

This same terror and paralysis came back leading up to the checkride oral test. I couldn't sleep. Terror filled me that I'd mess up and make some fluke of an error and end the check-ride prematurely.

I stayed with the terror and did the check-ride afraid. It was anything short of easy for me. But, I learned from it. I learned I was smarter and an intelligent reader who could comprehend complicated aviation knowledge.

Reversing Being Fathered

As stated above, I needed help dealing with all the fear and overwhelm I was dealing with. Knowing myself and my story, I would try to take care of myself.

When I was a child, I couldn't go to either of my parents for help. My mom would become overwhelmed and freak out. My father would stay detached and aloof.

So, to cope with life, I learned how to be self-sufficient. But, when life became too much for me, that's when life fell apart and I disintegrated.

Here I was preparing for my check-ride, life was starting to unravel as I tried to cope by myself. I knew the story that needed to be reversed was one of needing a father to come for me. But I didn't have a mentor or someone I could go to and be vulnerable with. What man, especially a grown ass man, would be vulnerable and understanding enough to not scoff at me for having a struggle?

I knew I couldn't call my father. There were too many ruptures between us and we never seemed able to understand each other.

However, one day while trying to cope and talking to God about it, he told me to call my dad.

"That's nuts," was my response. But the voice in my heart was calm, strong, differentiated, and consistent.

Against all the data, it felt like the right time, the right place, the right everything and I needed to call my dad. I could hardly believe the decision I was making. It wasn't me making the decision...but it was. I called him.

I asked if it was a good time to talk. I told him I was pursuing a dream. I was feeling afraid and anxious for the test and wanted to know what he would do if he were me.

And you know what...it was the most blessing conversation I've ever had with him. He named three things that were true of me that would help me do well on my check-ride. He named me as a quick thinker, which would help me during the oral questions from the examiner. He named that I am good at sports and that will help me with the maneuvers of the aircraft in the air. He also named that I was an intelligent system thinker. I understood how all the components of a system worked together. Once I knew the system, I knew how it all worked if something went wrong.

My heart sang, tears welled up in my eyes as he said things about me I never knew he knew about me. He had never affirmed these qualities about me before. It was a blessing I shall cherrish forever.

Reversing Self-Sufficiency

In addition to being fathered, I had three instructors who believed in me and poured into me.

There was a point during my training that I began to screw up on the landing. All the old stories of being a failure and the instructors becoming disappointed in me resurfaced.

However, these instructors helped me. They believed in me and saw my potential. They taught me how fun and rewarding soaring is. And, they taught me and trained me how to trust my instincts again to land the glider well.

I can't thank these men enough.