Reversing Being Fathered

As stated above, I needed help dealing with all the fear and overwhelm I was dealing with. Knowing myself and my story, I would try to take care of myself.

When I was a child, I couldn't go to either of my parents for help. My mom would become overwhelmed and freak out. My father would stay detached and aloof.

So, to cope with life, I learned how to be self-sufficient. But, when life became too much for me, that's when life fell apart and I disintegrated.

Here I was preparing for my check-ride, life was starting to unravel as I tried to cope by myself. I knew the story that needed to be reversed was one of needing a father to come for me. But I didn't have a mentor or someone I could go to and be vulnerable with. What man, especially a grown ass man, would be vulnerable and understanding enough to not scoff at me for having a struggle?

I knew I couldn't call my father. There were too many ruptures between us and we never seemed able to understand each other.

However, one day while trying to cope and talking to God about it, he told me to call my dad.

"That's nuts," was my response. But the voice in my heart was calm, strong, differentiated, and consistent.

Against all the data, it felt like the right time, the right place, the right everything and I needed to call my dad. I could hardly believe the decision I was making. It wasn't me making the decision...but it was. I called him.

I asked if it was a good time to talk. I told him I was pursuing a dream. I was feeling afraid and anxious for the test and wanted to know what he would do if he were me.

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